FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
