ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
