i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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