I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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