My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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