I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
