i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
