he looks like a really good dad on facebook
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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