This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
