how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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