glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
