peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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