life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
