Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
