don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
