she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
