I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
