a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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