I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
