Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
