I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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