Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
