I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
The Olympian is in my bed
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
