she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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