My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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