Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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