Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
