If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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