Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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