I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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