Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
