Swine flu. Run for my life!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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