She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
