Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
