When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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