highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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