Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
