you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I fill condoms, not promises.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
