Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
