So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
