he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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