doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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