I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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