Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
