dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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