You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
