I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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