Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Oh god it's open bar.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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