His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
