I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Ladies don't puke and tell
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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