Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
