Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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