i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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